


ever-growing

by fuckyouurie



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Depression, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-01-05 22:24:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12198585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckyouurie/pseuds/fuckyouurie
Summary: ‘i’m going to have to tell the others, alex. for your own good. they don't know you’re here yet…we need to keep you safe.’ need.jalex if you squint.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> more drabble, but hey ho hope u enjoy again

he always felt bad for hiding it from his bandmates, especially jack. alex always got worse on tour. a mixture of homesickness and anxiety; it stayed with him when he got home too, because he let it. he spent nights in his bunk trying not to wince at the pain of the blade skipping across his arms, while thinking about how much he didn't deserve the success, the life he had.

on the third day of the tour, alex managed to avoid all his bandmates for most of the morning- meeting them only for soundcheck and the show- but as soon as his stage time and encore was over, he booked it for the backroom toilet stalls. thoughts raced through his head, about how he didn't deserve the fans or a big sold out gig like the one they just played mere minutes ago. he brought out an almost dull blade from a hidden inside pocket of his trusty denim jacket, once again uncovering to himself his scarred and torn up arm. the ones on his arms were fairly new- only a few months ago he couldn't take just his thighs and took the risk of getting caught for a better release. the cutting had only gotten past the relief stage and was just an urge that he couldn't curb for the life of him.

the night jack found alex on their bathroom floor was one of the worst. he got back from a long day of recording guitar tracks for the new record, picking up some taco bell on the way back to their shared hotel room; calling out for alex, he set the food down on the coffee table- there was no reply, which wasn't unusual for alex. naturally, this was a prompt for jack to climb upstairs and discover what alex was up to, but as he passed the bathroom he heard the familiar sound of sniffling. alex’s sniffling and the quiet shuffling along the tiles. jack sidled up to the door, listening in. ‘alex? are you alright? i bought some taco bell, it’s in the kitchen if you want any!’

no reply. he held the door handle and was hasty to turn it, he almost didn't want to know what he was dealing with. its not like he didn't know about alex’s habits, he was well aware of the scars and hardships that he fought with everyday; but jack wasn't ever going to get used to this sight, it had happened twice before and he still wasn't over seeing his best friend in this state. the door swung open; uncovering an almost peaceful looking alex, sat leaning against the bathtub- barely conscious, arms exposed and torn to pieces. jack knelt down next to him, speechless. he had so many questions.

why are you doing this to yourself?  
why didn't you tell any of us? me?  
are you going to do something more?

alex couldn't figure out what to say- obviously ‘sorry’ was the default response, but he felt like the meaning behind it was shot. he honestly thought that he wasn't worth the trouble he was causing, but he didn't have a clue that jack would stay with him through thick and thin, through the best and the worst of it. 

***

rian was always the most passive one out of the group, second to zack. he never kicked up a fuss whenever something happened; the peacekeeper of the band, even the crew. a few weeks into tour, he decided his bunk had seen enough of him- so spent a few nights in the local hotel. that was the smartest decision he could of made, especially on the third day he booked in. it all happened while he walked between the bus and the hotel lobby, he saw alex- which was odd because it was 11pm and he would usually be seen nowhere out of his bed, catching up on sleep. seeing the figure leaning against the back end of the tour bus- obviously in pain, rian poked his head round the corner to the back windows, still able to keep his composure after seeing the dilemma alex was in. stepping in from of him, he’d reached out his hand to rest it upon his bandmates shoulder, seeing that alex was completely out of his mind drunk. the look on his face was all so familiar; after a few seconds of silence rian piped up, eyes still wondering: ‘hey, man… have you been drinking?’. after a moments wait, alex managed to stifle a nod, which was sloppy at best. rians eyes moved down alex’s body, out of worry. but his gaze stopped this palms, all he could see was the contrast of red against alex’s ever-growing pale complexion. blood. ‘alex’s blood?’ rian wondered. ‘is this yours?… what’s happened lex?’. at this point, alex couldn't respond, just grabbed his sleeve and in a hazy state lifted it up to show his horrific and scarring past to rian, exposing himself and all his secrets- alex remained completely emotionless, not trying to even ask rian for help. 

i don’t need it. i don't deserve it.

it was 8am and alex could just about hear the sound of rain hit the rooftop of the hospital room. his hospital room. god, he hated thinking about that- it’s not like he wanted to be there but according to rian, he didn't have much of a choice. that morning was the time when rian broke the silence and said the words that haunted alex for the next hour and a half, until the event would take place. ‘i’m going to have to tell the others, alex. for your own good. they don't know you’re here yet…we need to keep you safe.’ need. alex would be telling a white lie if he said he would feel better for telling everyone, because in reality it would make him feel like more of a burden to them. jack already knew, but not to this much of an extreme, his last suicide attempt was pitiful compared to this. but jack always did worry about him, however alex found a way to hide all of his feelings and actions behind closed doors, a wall he kept up and never could have the nerve to knock down.

9:30. it happened. everyone had been summoned to the hospital room alex was staying in, without any explanation. when they arrived rian was holding onto jack, who was in a state of blind panic. he looked like hadn't slept in a week- dark eyes, tussled hair and shaking fingertips- he could barely look alex in the eyes when they stumbled into the jarring, medical room. obviously, rian spoke first. ‘so, i know this is weird and sudden but we need to talk… about alex.’ jack let go of rian and turned his head at lightning speed. ‘no shit we need to talk about him! why didn't you tell us when this happened? why didn't you tell me?’

rian honestly didn't know how to respond, with as much anger? passively as usual? but without thinking for too long- as m=not to leave a long awkward pause, he responded. ‘jack, i know you’re stressed out by this, we all are. alex… he-he tried to kill himself… i found him behind the bus. drunk out of his face… covered in- in his own blood.’ zack gasped, rian sighed, matt looked alex over, and jack? jack just left.


	2. Chapter 2

he set off, without a goal or destination- just took himself as far as he could go before getting lost. once he got past their hotel, jack decided to go round the back to their parked bus. behind the tinted windows he was hidden, so took a beer out of the fridge and completely broke down, collapsing on the seat aside him.

alex said he would tell me if he got like this again.  
he’s probably lied to me this whole time…

in the past, jack had got in a few tiffs with his family, which resulted in not being able to muster up the courage to trust anyone at face value; so now, he wasn't sure if he could continue to trust someone as close as alex. the past few days he’d mentioned to jack that he was in a good place- that he was doing well. an hour later, jack had finished two beers and a thousand laps around his brain. 

beep. that was his phone, one new message.

‘new message: rian  
we’re on the way back to the hotel with alex, speak to him. we hope you’re alright, man.’

with that, jack took a couple of minutes to compose himself; he was hoping to find the right words for alex, hoping for that trust to come running back to him.

***

as he approached, the door was propped slightly open, welcoming jack in. but as he entered only alex happened to be inside, jack assumed rian had left the door like that to make sure he didn't get lost trying to find the suite- only rian would do something like that. the door shut closed as jack knocked his foot against it, then the room was silent. scarily silent. alex perched on the edge of the bed, his head down- jack presumed it was to look at the long cut on his arm; it was jarring, even from halfway across the room. the shuffle of jack’s footsteps let alex know that he was lurking in the entrance of the room, but he still didn't speak.

‘i’m-‘

‘say it. say ‘i’m sorry’…its not good enough any more, alex! you told me you were good!’ 

jack couldn't find the nerve in him to sit calmly on the bed, so remained pacing around the room while his head was still spinning. ‘you said it to me two nights ago. you said ‘i feel good, jack. happy. better than i have all year’… to my face.’’ he almost spat the words out, letting them hit the ground around him, burying them deep into the carpet to grow around alex- to let him know he wasn't coming down softly from this.

it was just fact that there was nothing he could do in that moment to let jack know that he was sorry. he knew it would take time and alex was willing to give it all the time it needed, even if that meant he had to put the band or their friendship aside. speaking of their friendship, it was cycling through alex’s mind. he hates me now, good job gaskarth. after a few moments of tension, jack spoke up. “why? why didn’t you tell me you felt like this? that you were gonna do something like… like that. i might not know how to help but you could give me the chance to at least try, alex?”

he stopped in his tracks, turning on his heels to face alex- now looking up at jack with watering eyes. “…i just wanted to go in silence. for nobody to worry about where i was so i could just…go.”

jack knew exactly what ‘go’ meant, and it wasn’t harmless whatsoever. at that point, everything clicked for jack but he figured rian and zack knew well before he figured it out- alex was pretending to be okay so that he had an excuse to disappear without it being suspicious. to leave, to die. “i don’t want you to ‘go’, alex. i want you to be honest with me… please tell me what happened… how you got to that?”

it would of been great for alex to have a straight answer for how he felt, but the truth was that he just felt a deep depression inside him that he couldn’t take away- not matter what he did to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's short, i have a bad habit of leaving these fics for waaaay too long


End file.
